losing your first love

It's been eleven days since we lost my dad. 

It is still so hard to believe that he is really gone. 

I know that he is in heaven, completely cancer free, but my heart still aches knowing that he is no longer here with us. Reality usually hits when I pick up the phone to call him. Sometimes I still expect him to pick up.

We have known for a long time this day would come. 

For the last 17 months he had been fighting a losing battle. We had found out that his cancer had spread to his brain and even though he knew that he was terminal he kept fighting, hoping for a miracle. Most would say that he never got that miracle, but I would have to disagree. God blessed us with so much more time with him and our family came together in more ways than one. For the past year he had been trying to get us all to be one big, happy family and that is what we finally are. It may not be perfect but I have spoke with my sibling more in the past four weeks then I have in the past four years. 

My daddy would be proud.

I know y'all didn't know my dad, but I wish you could have.

He really was a true ray of sunshine. 

Always smiling and always making people laugh. Even when he knew he had days to live. 

I am incredibly lucky that I was given a dad like him and that my children were given a grandpa like him.

We will miss him each and everyday. We love you daddy!

{{my heart is breaking}}

About 3 weeks ago my dad was taken to the hospital for what seemed like a simple procedure. None of us knew that when they wheeled him back our lives would never be the same again.

Just a little over 17 months ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. He has been fighting and taking chemo this whole time. He looked so good. Ya, he had lost some weight, but he needed to anyway. And the chemo never once made him sick. We were ecstatic! Then they discovered some fluid around his lungs that needed to be drained off. They wanted to make sure it was non cancerous. Off they went to the hospital to have it done.

When they drained the fluid off my dads lungs they inadvertently opened the hole in his esophagus that was formed by the cancer. In the process they also collapsed his lung. Fast forward a week... He developed septicemia and his lung was destroyed. He was admitted to ICU while they tried to figure out what was wrong. Fast forward another week... We just found out that the antibiotics are not helping the infection and that the cancer has spread to his brain.

My heart is breaking for all of us. My dad was doing so good and then went downhill very fast. He was transported to hospice yesterday and we are just spending as much time with him as God allows.

I am very thankful that God has given us this extra time with him. To see him and to love on him. We are truly blessed!

If it weren't for my super sweet husband who has been my shoulder to cry on and my rock through the rough day and my knowledge that God is here with us all, I don't think I could have gotten out of bed most days.

I have also found that keeping me busy and occupied (mainly Pinterest) helps keep my spirits up so I will be by to post all the super awesome things I found and the crafts I have been working on.

Hope you all have a blessed Wednesday!

one of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing made sense and all you wanted to do was bury your head in a pillow and cry. Ya, you know what I'm talking about.

The last part of twenty-twelve and the start of twenty-thirteen have been kinda rough on me. With my dad's cancer, both my boys growing up super fast and the fact that I can not have any more babies has taken a bigger toll on me than I originally thought.

{Just a little back story... My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in June of last year. And against all odds he is doing AMAZING! But the fact that he is still sick and seeing him actually look sick gets to me sometimes. He is doing so well that when he does get sick it's like shock almost. Both of my boys just celebrated birthdays. They seem so grown up these day. Tyler is getting so independent and Jake can read. It has just been a lot for me. I swore I was never going to be that mom, and here I am... being that mom. And lastly, in December I had an appointment with a fertility specialist about expanding out family and was told my tubal ligation was not reversible. There are other options that are still open and on the table but the sad fact is they are way too expensive.}

As I sit here and read over everything that I have just typed I feel horrible. I should be thanking and praising God for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. The fact that my dad is doing amazing when they gave us no hope, that my boys are healthy and smart and that God has blessed me with two wonderful gifts instead of dwelling on all the stuff that I don't have.

This is my chance to love my life and everything in it and thank God daily for the grace that he shows me and the blessing that He gives me.

back from vacation

Howdy y’all!

I am finally back from vacation! And it was a AWESOME!

Over the next few days I will post LOTS and LOTS of pics of our super fun time together as a family at Sea World and at the beach :)

We were only supposed to be gone for a few days, but got a call from my parents who were in Houston about my daddy’s cancer. The doctors gave us the news that it was stage 4 and that my dad was not a candidate for surgery so we would have to fight it with chemo and radiation. When my dad talked to the surgeon who said he could not perform the surgery, he said he had 6 months to a year to live so instead of coming home we drove the 3 hours to be with my parents and comfort them. But the good news it while we were there we got to take the boys to the beach for the first time and watch fireworks on the beach.

Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th of July!

cancer sucks!

I have been kind of in and our lately, but it was for good reasons I promise.

Two weeks ago my dad went in for a regular doctor visit due to problems swallowing. By the end of the day the doctors were 90% sure that my dad had esophageal cancer. The worst part was it was Friday and they would not have the results back until Monday.

Why do doctors do that?

Do they know how horrible it is to sit around all weekend awaiting test results that can change a persons life forever?!

After a weekend of praying and worrying and more praying our worst fears were confirmed...

... my daddy had cancer!

It’s still so crazy! He has been in pretty good health all my life. We were completely blindsided by the whole thing. But what do you do?

No amount of crying, whining, yelling, screaming or begging will change the diagnoses.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, but we are all getting through it. This week my mom and dad are having everything staged and re-tested so by the end of the week we should have a more solid game plan on how we are going to fight this.

I have put my faith in God and know that He is in control. This is one of those situations where no one can do anything. We have to put our faith in the Lord and let him do what it is He does. Because He is the best at it. I know no matter the outcome God’s will is being done and He will be glorified!

Now that things are not as crazy and on there way back the {the new} normal I will be back on here posting regularly. I have lots of crafts and stuff to post. And I can’t forget LOTS of pictures!