{{my heart is breaking}}

About 3 weeks ago my dad was taken to the hospital for what seemed like a simple procedure. None of us knew that when they wheeled him back our lives would never be the same again.

Just a little over 17 months ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. He has been fighting and taking chemo this whole time. He looked so good. Ya, he had lost some weight, but he needed to anyway. And the chemo never once made him sick. We were ecstatic! Then they discovered some fluid around his lungs that needed to be drained off. They wanted to make sure it was non cancerous. Off they went to the hospital to have it done.

When they drained the fluid off my dads lungs they inadvertently opened the hole in his esophagus that was formed by the cancer. In the process they also collapsed his lung. Fast forward a week... He developed septicemia and his lung was destroyed. He was admitted to ICU while they tried to figure out what was wrong. Fast forward another week... We just found out that the antibiotics are not helping the infection and that the cancer has spread to his brain.

My heart is breaking for all of us. My dad was doing so good and then went downhill very fast. He was transported to hospice yesterday and we are just spending as much time with him as God allows.

I am very thankful that God has given us this extra time with him. To see him and to love on him. We are truly blessed!

If it weren't for my super sweet husband who has been my shoulder to cry on and my rock through the rough day and my knowledge that God is here with us all, I don't think I could have gotten out of bed most days.

I have also found that keeping me busy and occupied (mainly Pinterest) helps keep my spirits up so I will be by to post all the super awesome things I found and the crafts I have been working on.

Hope you all have a blessed Wednesday!

sunday blessings

Happy Sunday Everyone!

I was looking back on some pictures from last summer and can't believe how blessed I am to be lucky enough for these awesome boys to call me mom and to be married to such a wonderful man.

one of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing made sense and all you wanted to do was bury your head in a pillow and cry. Ya, you know what I'm talking about.

The last part of twenty-twelve and the start of twenty-thirteen have been kinda rough on me. With my dad's cancer, both my boys growing up super fast and the fact that I can not have any more babies has taken a bigger toll on me than I originally thought.

{Just a little back story... My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in June of last year. And against all odds he is doing AMAZING! But the fact that he is still sick and seeing him actually look sick gets to me sometimes. He is doing so well that when he does get sick it's like shock almost. Both of my boys just celebrated birthdays. They seem so grown up these day. Tyler is getting so independent and Jake can read. It has just been a lot for me. I swore I was never going to be that mom, and here I am... being that mom. And lastly, in December I had an appointment with a fertility specialist about expanding out family and was told my tubal ligation was not reversible. There are other options that are still open and on the table but the sad fact is they are way too expensive.}

As I sit here and read over everything that I have just typed I feel horrible. I should be thanking and praising God for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. The fact that my dad is doing amazing when they gave us no hope, that my boys are healthy and smart and that God has blessed me with two wonderful gifts instead of dwelling on all the stuff that I don't have.

This is my chance to love my life and everything in it and thank God daily for the grace that he shows me and the blessing that He gives me.

baptism day

Dear Jacob, 

Today you got baptized. I want to start by telling you how proud I am of you for the decision you have made. You now have Jesus in your heart and nothing you ever do will make him leave you. You looked so grown up today up there in the baptism tub. It took everything I had not to cry on camera in front of all those people. I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for your life. You are going to do great and wonderful things. I hope you know how special you are to me and that I am ever so thankful that God chose me to be your mommy. I could not ask for a better son. 

I love you with all my heart, 

Mama

saved

I am such a proud mama right now!

Last night my sweet Jacob asked Jesus into his heart.

I had been in bed sick all day and Michael was taking care of the boys and getting them read for bed. As Jake was sitting there he asked how you become saved. Michael asked him a ton of questions and tried steering him away from it because he wanted to make sure he was really ready. After they finished talking Jake started crying and told his daddy that he wanted to go to heaven. That he wanted Jesus in his heart. 

Praise the Lord!

I am excited that my baby made this choice on his own and that we get to enjoy this journey with him.

reminders

The inside of my cupboard door that houses my coffee cups...

tea & testimony

Today is a BIG day for me.

Today is my last MOPS meeting for the year and at 10 this morning I will be sharing my testimony with my MOPS group. And not just the ladies in my group, the entire MOPS group.

I will be standing in front of a hundred women bearing my heart and soul and will be sharing how God has turned my life around after all the stuff I went through two years ago.

And even though I am nervous, I know that I am going to be up there glorifying God and that makes the jitters and nervousness all worth it!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Philippians 4:13

blessing in disguise

Last Wednesday night Tyler and Jacob were playing and Tyler tripped and fell. He said he hit his face and almost immediately his jaw area began to swell and he could not eat. I immediately thought that he broke his jaw. So there we went at 9pm to the ER.

They did a CT scan to check for any fractures.

My brave little guy did wonderful :)

We finally got to go home around 1:30am.

They sent us home that night and told us that nothing was broken, but when we got up the next morning his face was double the size as the night before and he could still not eat. So off to the pediatrician we went.

The doctor did not know what could be causing the swelling so she sent us back to the hospital for another round of CT scans. After they did their scans they sent us back to the doctor who was concerned because the swelling had gotten even worse throughout the day. So she sent us back to the hospital where we were admitted. We even got an added bonus that day... we found out he had a rock stuck in his ear from one of the CT scans :)

Tyler was so brave when he got his IV and they hooked him up to all the monitors. And even after 18 hours with no food he was still all smiles.

We told him he was in the hospital so he needed to look sick. This was his sick face... :)

By Thursday night his face was severely swollen. His face had more than tripled in size even though he was on two very strong antibiotics. All they could tell us was he had an infection in h is lymph nodes but didn’t tell us much more.

Friday morning he woke up and he was finally starting to look better.
He was even in the mood to eat his breakfast!

Him and his daddy were so cute sitting there together. We were on the third floor so they were talking about all the buildings and cars. It was adorable :)

Friday night we had problems with his IV and I had an altercation with a male nurse who yelled at Tyler. It was 3am and he woke Tyler up to flush it. Either way I did not appreciate the way he was treating Tyler so I told him to leave. But the good news was they took out his IV. It was a huge deal.

By Saturday morning Tyler was feeling much better! His face looked so much better and he was back to his old self. He had a blast playing with his balloons that his little friend sent him.

His favorite thing to do was hide in the little closet in the hospital room and jump out at us :)

 

Before noon Saturday around lunch the doctor had came to see Tyler and said he could go home on oral antibiotics. We were so happy! After three days in the hospital we were all ready to go home,spend some time with Jake and see my in-laws.

I am so grateful to everyone who prayed for Tyler’s healing, my BIL and SIL for keeping Jake so Michael and I could stay Tyler and God for blessing us with such a wonderful little man who was awesome even under not so desirable circumstances. And had he not complained about hitting his face when he tripped, we would never have known how bad his infection actually was. It was a blessing in disguise!

****************************************

Rejoice in hope, patient with affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

****************************************

Blessed

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

family dinners

If you read my last post a faithful work then you know that I absolutly love reading my Journey devotional!

---

These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children.
(Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

---

I thought today’s article was excellent! It was called Tech No Family. The lady talked about how everyone was plugged into some technological wonder or another. She would be preparing dinner while watching the Food Network in the kitchen, her husband would be on his phone replying to emails, and her kids were on Facebook or playing video games. She was troubled by this fact and prayed about it. She wanted to increase the amount of face to face time she spent with her family. So the declared dinner a tech free zone. Each person was tasked with a dinner responsibility, they prepared dinner together and they cleaned up after dinner together.

How awesome does that sound?

It made me think about my own family. I’m lucky if I can get everyone together for my own family to sit down and be quiet long enough to say grace. And when we do sit down to eat we are either watching TV or are interrupted by the phone, which never stops ringing.

What ever happened to family dinners like they used to have on Leave it to Beaver. You know the home cooked meals, the clean and well groomed children, the doting husband and the perfect hair and makeup that is still in place even after slaving away in the kitchen all afternoon. And don’t forget the spotless house.

Let’s face it... although I can cook, my kids will never be that clean by the time dinner rolls around, my husband is rarely home in time to eat with the family, most days my hair stays in a ponytail and I wear not a speck of makeup and my house is never EVER going to be as clean as June Cleaver’s!

There is something to be said about a family that sits down as a whole and eats together. And even though my family meals may not be that perfect I can start making family dinner time a special time with no phones or TV. I mean come on, we do have DVR and voicemail :) Even if Mike isn’t going to be home in time for dinner, I can still sit down with the boys. I just use him being gone as an excuse.

Do you sit down and eat dinner as a family?

a faithful work

Today I was reading my husbands devotional and by the end I was happy that I did.

---

Mankind, he has told you what is good and what it is the LORD requires of you: to act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

---

The part that stuck out the most to me was to love faithfulness. But I was not quite sure what it really meant to love faithfulness.

What I learned is that it means that you are true to what you believe in. That you don’t say one thing in Sunday School or church, and then do something completely different once the ‘church folk’ aren’t around. Instead you are full of faith- you trust God and obey him.

Am I the only one that struggles with this? Am I the only one who sometimes finds it hard to find the balance?

I really want to start being true to what I believe in. More than I am now. I want my boys to see me act the same on Saturday night as they do on Sunday morning. I don’t want them to think that it is okay to go out and act a fool then go to church the next morning and pretend like you don’t ever do things like that. What kind of message does that send?

I pray that God works in my life and shows guides me through my days. I also pray that I will have the strength to do what I know is right and not be influenced into doing something that I know is wrong. And that I can be a good influence on others.

wanted to say...

Happy Sunday!

Tuesday Ramblings

This morning I got out of bed with my mind on a mission. I had to make it to the mall to pick two names off of our Angel tree, which is a tree with children’s names on it that come from underprivileged families. I saw a little boy yesterday that reminded of my sweet Tyler. And even though I have never met this little boy, I knew that I wanted to buy him Christmas. And this morning he was still there and I snatched his name right up. I also picked a little boy who is the same age as Jacob. His name is Kevin. I feel incredibly blessed that we are able to buy gifts for these boys who may have not had a Christmas. God has blessed us more than we could imagine and we are super excited that we are able to give to others.

Next on my agenda was to find an outfit for a wedding I have to attend on Saturday. It is a wedding in the country so I chose to go with dressy casual. Normally I would not buy such an outfit just for a wedding, but I have decided that I am also going to wear it for family pictures the next day :) I never thought I would see myself in skinny jeans, but they are so cute with these boots. Now I just need to find some cute turquoise jewelry to tie everything in together.

Hope everyone is having a very blessed Tuesday!

Thankful

I got to thinkin and I don’t mention enough how thankful I am for my favorite people{s}.

So I just wanted to take a moment to do just that…

I am very thankful for my husband!

God could not have given me a better person to spend my life with. We may have had our ups and downs, but no matter what we always come through it loving each other more that before.

My boys!

God blessed me greatly when he chose me to be the mother of these two very special and handsome boys. My life would not be complete without them. I love them oh so very much!

What or who are you thankful for?

Lord Show Me the Way

Can you remember being a kid and wondering what you were going to do when you were ‘all grown up’?

I know that I did, and I knew that I wanted to do something that I loved more than anything in the world.

And that is what I am doing! Being a stay at home mom to my boys and a wife to my husband is what I love. More than anything in the world. Sometimes it’s not the most glamorous job or the most desirable, but it’s the most rewarding job in the entire world. And I won’t lie… there are days where I want to quit! There are days where I have had enough of everyone's whining and crying. But what mother doesn’t get sick of hearing it at one point or another?

Every once in a while I feel like my boys are growing up so fast that they are needing me less and less. Deep down I know that it isn’t true, but still it’s there.

I have considered going back to school and actually planned on seeing a counselor, but in the end after lots of prayer and talks with the hubby, decided that this time with the boys is too precious to waste in a classroom if I don’t have to. Michael told me that I can always go back to school, I can’t go back and be a mom to my boys when they are small. Isn’t he wise?

I know God has more in store for me, and even though I don’t know what it is yet… I know it is going to be something that will glorify Him.

The Road of Faith

Have you ever driven down a small country road?

There is just something about them. Something that is beautiful and peaceful.

Country roads are usually less traveled than the main roads. They are usually not the quickest route to your destination, but they are the prettiest and most rewarding. There may even be times when you come to a fork in the road or a road block. {I know this from experience}

This is how I feel about the faith walk that I am on right now. Following God’s plan is not always the quickest route and He may not answer your prayers when you think He should, but God’s route is the prettiest and most rewarding route.

When I think about all the times that I have decided to do things my way instead of following God, I may have arrived at the destination I thought I was supposed to, but it was not at all what God had planned for me. I think it is crazy that so many time I think that my way is so much better than God’s. I must be crazy!

But then there are times when I do make pretty bad decisions, and God uses them to draw me closer to Him and glorify His name. I never thought that something so wonderful could come from something that was at one time so bad.

There are a few things that I have been struggling with lately, and it would be so easy to take matters into my own hands and try to fix them on my own, but why? Why would I take the easy way when I could trust in God’s plan and glorify Him.

I want to live my life for Him!

More importantly I want my children to see me glorifying God!
I want my children to see that if they trust in the Lord, He will bless them.

I now know more than ever that my place in life is on the small, quiet country road.

And so far it is a beautiful and blessed journey!

PandaMania

Last week Jacob attended vacation bible school. This was our first year to go, and I was worried that we had missed out because it was so late in the summer. I was lucky enough to run into a friend one morning and she told me her church was hosting a VBS and there was still time to sign up. Yay! I love how God works like that. And Jacob loved it! He was so excited to go and learn about Jesus.

Only downer was Tyler was just a little shy of 4 so he was not able to go :(
But next year for sure!

So, on Thursday night they had a program for all the parents to attend. Here were some of the highlights from that night…

Look at my little man praising God!

I’m so proud!

I love you, Jacob!

I’m Not In Control

The past few weeks I have been struggling. A lot! It may sound crazy to some so let me give you a little backstory.

The cliffs notes version…

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl get married and have baby. Baby starts to grow up into a toddler. Boy and girl decide to have another baby. Toddler hits terrible two’s. Baby is born. Boy and girl decide that two is enough. Girl gets her tubes tied.

So here I am, almost 4 years later, and as my kids get older I have found myself envious and jealous of all the people in my life that are having babies. I know that it is wrong to be envious and want what someone else has. I was so envious that I kinda fell into this funk and have been there for about a month.

But today {well yesterday now} I woke up with a new attitude!

With the help of the pep talk from my SIL of course. Thanks Becca!!!

I realized that God has chosen this path for me for a reason. And unlike me, He knows what He is doing! I have to trust in Him and be obedient. And if someday He wants me to have another baby, tubes tied or not, I will have one.

I think the biggest problem is I am a control freak and sometimes it is hard for me to let go and let God have it. That is one of the things I have learned about myself while doing my bible study these past few weeks. In order to move ahead with God’s plan for me I have to let go of some of my past behaviors and bad habits!

So starting today I have chosen to quit obsessing over and trying to control the things in my life that I have no control over. And really embrace the things that God allows me to have some control of. Like losing the 10 lbs. I have gained over the last few months.

And as much as I would love to have a cute, cuddly baby to love for the rest of my life, I am uber with the two that I have and I know I am incredibly blessed to have them call me mama!

A Very Blessed Thursday

Look at those faces!!
God has blessed me above and beyond with these two boys!

Today I started this wonderful bible study at a local church!
It’s crazy. The past couple of weeks I have had this deep desire to learn more and dig deeper into God’s word. I just haven’t felt like my spiritual needs are being met. I have never had a burning desire like this before and was not sure what to do, so I started searching local churches for woman’s bible studies. Then I came across this one. It meets on Thursday mornings and they have childcare! Yay!  I am two weeks behind though so I have some catching up to do, but I am so glad that I decided to jump in instead of not doing it just because I am behind. So far I absolutly love this study. I will keep you updated as the study progresses.

Also, today I signed up to join MOPS!
These last couple of weeks as I have been digging deeper in my spiritual journey I got to thinking about how wonderful it would be to have some ‘mommy friends’ that I share things in common with. And I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine about how she was a part MOPS. She told me that I needed to sign Tyler up now so I would have a slot for him come September. So, I immediately called her and asked a million questions. Then I called the church to track down the lady in charge and guess what?? They had an open slot! Yay! I can’t wait to start this new ‘mommy adventure’!

Wonderful Weekend

What a glorious weekend!

I hope that all you mothers had a blessed Mother’s Day!

Now, I know, I am an awful person. I left my camera bag at home today. I feel horrible. So the boys and I are going to take pics together at the park later this week. I need some good ones. And I am going to make my sweet hubby take some too!

Oh my church was wonderful today. I needed to hear the message today. Have you ever felt like there is no one else in the church and there is a huge spotlight on you as he speaks, well that was me today. It really helped me see things in a different way. I am trying to be the Godly mother my children need and deserve, but for some reason I feel like I am falling short.

I thought I would share a few pics I took over the weekend…

On Friday the storm clouds started moving in and they looked so beautiful, but sadly they never brought any rain. It just like mother nature to play tricks on us. Sigh.

Saturday we had Jake’s swim lessons. He is doing so much better than he was in the beginning. He is growing up so fast. Soon he will be a little Michael Phelps.

While we waited I snapped a couple of pics of Tyler. He is such a little ham. And I you got to love the whole picking the nose thing! Boys will be boys.

Tyler asked for my sunglasses because the sun was in his eyes.

My poor baby looks like he needs to eat a cheeseburger! And I know I may sound like a broken record, but I am just so proud of him and how well he is doing. Just a few short weeks ago he would barely get in the water.